Why Your Car Sucks: 2015 Aston Martin Vanquish

"Sweet Trav" (thespunbearing) 09/29/2014 at 10:10 • Filed to: why your car sucks

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Some people are fans of the Aston Martin Vanquish. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Aston Martin Vanquish. This 2014 tongue-in-cheek car "review" is for those in the latter group.

This is part of an ongoing series of articles I will be writing using the formula laid out by Drew Magary on Deadspin.

Your Car: Aston Martin Vanquish

Your 2015 Model Year Vital Stats: 568 Horsepower. Two doors. Eight-speeds. You still can't press [R] for rocket launcher. Top Speed of 201 miles per hour. Walther PPK not included.

Your Engine: Aston Martin AM29 6.0l V12.

The Vanquish has a 60 degree dual overhead cam twelve cylinder engine displacing six liters. Does that sound fancy enough for you? The Aston Martin marketing department would like you think it does, but it's not. This engine started out in life as what was essentially two mid-2000's Ford Taurus V6's placed end to end. Aston has since managed to squeeze 568 horses out of this Cosworth co-developed mill for 2015; up from 400 when first launched. I can only imagine this engine's development cycle is as follows:

The lead engine designer at Cosworth went to the pub for lunch, had a few too many pints then staggered back to the shop and welded two Duratec V6 engine blocks together and drunkenly proudly announced to his team "Who needs fancy things that we usually do like turbochargers and direct injection, when we've got the power of two mediocre mid-sized American sedans under the bonnet" he then belched epically as only a Midlander can, and passed out cold, slumped over his new creation. Somehow they still thought this was a winning design and in the morning when he came to, the design team at Aston did not protest when he ordered this 6.0l human-centipede of an engine into production.

Through the years Aston has made improvements to the engine, but try as it might this engine's plebeian roots have always been nipping at its heels. Two family sedan V6's doth not a supercar engine make.

Your Aesthetics Recipe: In a Martini glass mix two still beating Taurus hearts, one jigger of trust-fund dandy, a splash of Kate Upton for body and color, Garnish with two olives and a twist of Volvo door lock switch. Remember, Stirred not shaken you pretentious ass.

What's new that sucks: Well they still haven't mounted .50 cal machine guns behind the headlights and installed an ejector seat for a start, something absolutely inexcusable for a $300,000 car in my opinion. Instead what they have done is removed weight from the Vanquish and its VH platform in the form of more carbon fiber and advanced material. Aston has also added a Touchtronic III transmission that actually complies when you instruct it to shift via flappy paddle, instead of waiting until after tea is served like the old one. The new transmission is actually a ZF 8 speed slushbox, don't let the Aston branding and marketing department fool you. Since inception the Vanquish has been a never-ending cycle of improvement and special edition models. It's little things for each one, like six more horsepower here and three kilogram weight savings there; on top of that meaningless incremental improvement Aston's engineers have spent some time bombing around the Nurburgring attempting to make this a real Ferrari competitor, it never was and still isn't.

There has never been any real landmark change within the car, only slow and steady evolution. At this point I think it's a toss-up between Porsche and Aston for who has the laziest design team, sure the 911 still looks like a microwaved Volkswagen beetle, and sure each new generation of the 911 looks exactly the same as the last while Porsche promise that every panel is brand new, but Aston Martin has now made five cars entirely indistinguishable from each other to a passerby: The DBS, Vanquish, DB9, Virage and Vantage. At least Porsche built an SUV to let us know they could do something else besides meaningless variants of the 911. Of course however, the sight of an exposed compound fracture is more pleasing to the eye than a Cayenne.

What has always sucked: If there's one thing that has ruined not just the Vanquish, but the entire Aston Martin line it was using these cars in the new James Bond films. In Goldfinger, the DB5 that Sean Connery's Bond drives was produced only for two years, only a tick over 1000 cars were produced. Whereas the modern range of Aston cars haven't seen a major update since the V12 Vanquish was initially launched in 2001. Since 2001 more than 6000 Aston Martin DBS, DB9, Virage, Vantage and Vanquish have been produced. In many ways, that makes the modern Aston line a bit the long in the tooth, played out; the Roger Moore of the group compared to the timeless and exclusive cool of the DB5, the Sean Connery of the Astons.

All of this history means when you see an Aston in traffic, you expect some suave, debonair, playboy spy (or femme fatale) behind the wheel. However when you catch them at the stop light reality ruins the fantasy. They'll have a receding hairline and a soggy midsection, wearing a windbreaker and gaudy watch that costs more than most people's houses. In reality the people who buy these cars are just the upper crust equivalent of Trans-Am owners trying to channel Burt Reynolds as the Bandit. In every onlooker's eyes it will always be James Bond's ride so when you park at the local Walgreens to purchase your teeth whitening strips and Rogaine you're ruining the illusion.

It's a carefully crafted illusion as well, when looking at the lines of the car, the restrained utterly luxurious interior and listening to the exhaust note; you can't help but feel the Vanquish is like fancy charity art gala, it has all the elements for a great time: beautiful people, intelligence, booze, culture, art, money, and power. But if you've ever been to a fancy charity art gala you'd realize that even though all the components of a good time are there, it's missing something. Something like a couple guys with mullets doing keg stands, a debutante heiress getting drunk on Colt .45 or a politician smoking dope with the artists in the back of the studio. What has always sucked about the Vanquish, is that it takes itself too seriously to the point of snobbery. It tries live up to the reputation of James Bond when it should be trying to be a bit more Johnny English.

What might not suck: AMG-Mercedes is going to start supplying engines to Aston. Those Germans can make on hell of a fine motor when they want to, great beer as well. Hopefully the new AMG sourced power plant will be like the V12 used in the Pagani Zonda, equal length headers and all. Mostly likely however, it will be a tuned version of their twin turbo V8s. Who'd of thought it would take the Germans to get the stiff ass Brits to have a little fun for a change. With a new engine also comes the possibility of a new platform. While I feel this is less likely given the time and money to develop a bespoke platform, not to mention the time spent attempting to perfect the existing platform, it is unlikely, but something we can all hope for. It's easy to criticize Aston for making five cars that look exactly the same, hell I just did. That is of course until you look at each one from every angle and then you realize that it is impossible to find a view point which does not flatter this epically pretty design. That's kind of like criticizing a mother for birthing identical quintuplets who all grow up to be supermodels.

Share your opinions in the Comment Section Below. Remember, this is all in good fun.

Travis - King of Spun Bearings is not a king, author, journalist or even a part-time fanfic writer. Instead he spends his days driving his classic Chevrolet across SE-Michigan and his quiet nights at home drinking cheap whiskey and listening to St. Paul and the Broken Bones. Occasionally he has a valid idea or opinion which he feels must be shared on the internet. You can reach him at thespunbearing@outlook.com

EDIT: Picture fixed, they really do all look the same.

Leon711 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 10:12

5

Vantage.

Leadbull > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 10:12

3

Too bad that's a V12 Vantage.

It doesn't suck.

Sweet Trav > Leadbull 09/29/2014 at 10:20

1

Fixed, they all look the same.

Sweet Trav > Leon711 09/29/2014 at 10:20

1

fixed. they really all do look alike.

Bricks > Leon711 09/29/2014 at 10:21

0

I was wondering why he changed the picture.

JR1 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 10:21

10

I like that it had 2 Ford V6s. It makes the engine a blue collared worker in a white colored world

Leon711 > JR1 09/29/2014 at 10:50

1

2 ECU's also.

djmt1 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 10:51

0

The 6 speed is dead. Long live the 8 speed.

Xakura > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:00

0

Blasphemy. The Vantage is the best looking.

flabberboozled > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:03

7

"Well they still haven't mounted .50 cal machine guns behind the headlights and installed an ejector seat for a start, something absolutely inexcusable for a $300,000 car in my opinion."

They even forgot the invisibility cloak. Even the previous model had that. FAIL.

Sweet Trav > flabberboozled 09/29/2014 at 11:08

1

Bahahaha!

Sweet Trav > Xakura 09/29/2014 at 11:10

1

Nope they all look the same.

throttlehappy527 > Leon711 09/29/2014 at 11:10

8

French Racing Blue.
Magnifique.

Leon711 > throttlehappy527 09/29/2014 at 11:11

1

oui, C'est magnifique.

Trapperz > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:12

1

I lost interest in Aston Martin when they started making the same cars again and again, but with slightly different dimensions and power.

McLarry > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:16

8

People actually hate these? I thought V12 Aston Martins were like the Emma Watson of the automotive world...even 4chan can't hate her.

GrayHays > JR1 09/29/2014 at 11:18

3

Makes for good banter with the valet guy too. "We aren't so different, me and you..."

CO > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:21

3

Upper crust of Trans-Am owners are busy in their Maserati Gran Turismo

twosixteen > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:24

2

"That's kind of like criticizing a mother for birthing identical quintuplets who all grow up to be supermodels."

That is a great way of putting it. These articles are very well done, please keep them coming!

Sweet Trav > twosixteen 09/29/2014 at 11:26

0

Thanks!

Mr Multiverse > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:27

1

9/10 will follow for more.

Missing random INJECTIONS OF ALL CAPS.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:28

1

So beautiful that nothing else matters.

brzedr1 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:30

2

"Of course however, the sight of an exposed compound fracture is more pleasing to the eye than a Cayenne."

+5

Mhart27 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:39

1

Aston Martin driver - "quit making fun of teeth whitening strips and rogaine."

sbassen > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:41

1

The Mondeo/Duratec V6 has a Porsche/Cosworth design pedigree, with only a minimal amount of input from Ford at the end, FWIW. That's why it easily transitioned to higher end applications, whether it was forced induction in a Nobel or as the basis of the V12 AM architecture.

ICrackMeUp > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:41

5

Boy mister glass half empty. Only look at the "My Aston has two Taurus engines" side and ignore the much larger "My Taurus has half an Aston engine" contingent.

smalleyxb122 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:42

6

Jimmy Tango > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:46

1

"Remember, Stirred not shaken you pretentious ass."...was looking for my work email inspirational quote. Please and thank you.

Sweet Trav > smalleyxb122 09/29/2014 at 11:46

1

Something my editors clearly would have caught, If I had any.

SSurfer123 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:49

1

Excellent read! If I may humbly add, you missed an opportunity.

WHATS NEW THAT DOESN'T SUCK: Thanks to the tried and true British never updating their idea of perfection, our US eyes won't suffer the confusion of trying to identify exactly which model is double-parked at Olive Garden much longer.

KSEGGFTW > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 11:53

1

I LOVE everything about this car. For me, it doesn't get any better than this.

And for fucks sake, keep this car AWAY from Zagato.

All they'll do is fuck it up and give it a big gaping hole of a front end, round off those perfect, chiseled lines, and ruin the already perfect proportions with something ridiculous.

damnthisburnershitsux > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 12:05

2

The main thing that sucks is the depreciation on these things is crazy, a few year old one can be bought for 1/3 the price of a new one, that's like buying a house for the price of a double-wide!

LongbowMk2 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 12:22

2

I'm not concerned about the origins of the engine when the result is that glorious sound.

Cebu > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 12:34

1

"It tries live up to the reputation of James Bond when it should be trying to be a bit more Johnny English.

-All that's wrong with Aston, in a word.

This is why I hope to work with them after I go through college-the addition of a raving lunatic that can draw cars that look different will improve the brand immesurably.

sk-89 > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 12:49

1

Too many creases and stupid ground effects. They screwed up a beautiful car.

Kruezerman > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 12:50

3

That's racist.

Vin > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 13:05

1

While the profile for men who drive Astons fits, it does not apply to the fairer sex. The only two women I've ever seen driving Astons were both unmarried (presumably - there was no ring. Fuck yeah I checked) and unreasonably beautiful. I'm talking Almost-stopped-paying-attention-to-the-car beautiful.

That can't be a coincidence. Two is a big enough sample size, right? Right...?

Jeff Glucker > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 13:11

1

The 8spd is such a wonderful upgrade to this car. It really does transform it for the better.

miniman88 > Leon711 09/29/2014 at 13:12

0

Chouette!

Sweet Trav > Jeff Glucker 09/29/2014 at 13:16

1

ZF and GM Hydramatic build the best automatics in the biz. Anything else is an also ran slushbox

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 13:19

0

Hydramatic? Fuck no.

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > CO 09/29/2014 at 13:21

0

Explain.

Sweet Trav > Vin 09/29/2014 at 13:24

0

Unfortunately I have had dissimilar interactions with women in Astons. All mid 50's and unattractive (in my opinion, perhaps they were models 20 years ago, who knows) save for one very pretty teenager driving her dad's car. Seeing exotics was a perk of working in two affluent Detroit suburbs, though the ladies driving them may have had more to do with the location than the car.

Sweet Trav > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 09/29/2014 at 13:33

0

I respectfully disagree.

http://media.gm.com/media/us/en/ch…

The 8 speed is fantastic, as was the 6 speed, The 4l80 practically cant be broken, don't even get me started on the 200-4r, TH350 and TH400 of old.

Ford Transmissions - Not good. See 6f35 issues see FMX issues, Chrysler, the last decent one was The Torqueflight 727.

Too many M's > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 13:38

0

Yup, I am officially needing this car in my life. Holy gorgeous.

ggrady > Leon711 09/29/2014 at 13:48

0

6 speed!

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 13:54

2

Awesome read as usual

Stefan25 > Jeff Glucker 09/29/2014 at 14:06

0

half a second off of a fast 0-60 time with just a gearbox blew my mind.

green_man_group > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 14:06

0

Who cares where the V12 came from? Aston Martin's engines make noises that make other cars blush ...

Pete C. Shortt > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 14:29

0

Start working at home with Google! It's by-far the best job I've had. Last Wednesday I got a brand new BMW since getting a check for $6474 this - 4 weeks past. I began this 8-months ago and immediately was bringing home at least $77 per hour. I work through this link, go to tech tab for work detail

———————————> www.jobs700.com

Lars Vargas was hoping 2020 would be quieter > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 14:40

0

2 Duratec V6 engines welded together: meh. Now take 2 Ecoboost V6's, and you get a quad turbo V12 ... and yes, I know that adds turbos. :)

Titanius Anglesmith > Jeff Glucker 09/29/2014 at 14:55

0

I daily drive a 428i with the ZF 8 speed transmission, can confirm it is excellent.

Jeff Glucker > Stefan25 09/29/2014 at 15:07

0

same. plus a finally super supercar top speed as well.

titsinmymitts > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 15:30

0

This thing is just astonishingly beautiful.

I think I'd rather have the V12 Vantage S, but this truly is jawdropping.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 15:32

0

This car does not make my car suck. My car has an extra two doors, seating for an additional 3, can tow more, probably gets double the fuel economy AAAND my car has 3 pedals instead of the two this one has.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 09/29/2014 at 15:34

0

Exactly!!!

The Powerglide is where it's at!

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 21:21

0

You said it at the end. They all look the same. If you've seen one Aston, you've seen all the Astons. Laziest design studio in the world.

ldympr > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 21:30

0

*sigh* smile

Sweet Trav > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 09/29/2014 at 21:31

2

Idk Porsche just puts a beetle in the microwave and leaves it in longer and longer for each new model...

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Sweet Trav 09/29/2014 at 21:36

2

Audi is guilty of it, too. One sausage, several sizes.

You'llBeSleepingWithTheFilet-O-Fishes > Sweet Trav 09/30/2014 at 00:41

1

Thank you for writing these. Great as always.

Rico > Sweet Trav 09/30/2014 at 09:47

0

I wonder what sort of vendetta Mercedes has against ZF that they refuse to use their transmissions. After all that I hear about how great they are it still surprises me that they choose to use their own 7 speed that has been a constant complaint.

Sweet Trav > Rico 09/30/2014 at 09:54

1

Because it wasn't designed by Mercedes, Mercedes can do some great things, but they are a bit pigheaded and arrogant when it comes to suppliers. The new 4.0 TT V8 is a perfect example of Mercedes building an over-complicated engine to be inferior to BMW and Audi.

Rico > Sweet Trav 09/30/2014 at 10:02

0

Engines I get but not transmissions. It's clear that there is a better, already tested alternative that requires no in house R&D except for some minor tweaks. In this case they seem to ignore it just for the sake of being different from BMW for example (which everyone raves about their implementation of the ZF transmission).

DominikMJ > Sweet Trav 09/30/2014 at 19:14

1

This was a quite poor attempt to continue with this segment.

I am not amused!

ImUrOBGYN > Sweet Trav 10/04/2014 at 16:37

0

Aston will redesign their cars to no longer resemble Fords. Mark my words.

Connor Jones > Sweet Trav 10/17/2014 at 06:22

1

I'm so glad I just discovered these, so flipping funny! Especially the engine portion. So the engine in a vanquish is 2 of the DOHC v6's in my dads 2004 taurus? That is really hilarious. Still think an Aston is my dream car.

On a side note, we need more of these reviews, they're just great!

DominikMJ > Sweet Trav 01/02/2015 at 16:30

0

Could you please stop to diz Porsche?

Honestly - the only similarity between a beetle and a 911 [and only the 911 as such] is the location of the engine - and even this has changed a bit. Repeating this stupid Jeremy Clarkson claim, is like saying, that a Mustang looks like a Tin Lizzy [both have engines in the front].

If you see modern 911's, they are not only beautiful but also really different looking. I get, that Porsche really carefully changes the design from generation to generation... but if you are looking at more than 2 or 3 generations, changes are huge and you can't really confuse one with the other car! However a 911 looks always like a 911 - and in my book, this is a very good thing [well - if you are seeing new 911's they rather look like the successors of the 959 - but as it was based on the 911, it just doesn't make a big difference].

Anyway - just stop to say this stupid quote!